


Catnip and Crowns

by Octinary



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Cutagens | Cute Effects of Mutagens (The Witcher), Fluff and Humor, Idiots in Love, Learning to Love Your Quirks, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27995721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octinary/pseuds/Octinary
Summary: Lambert is aghast to discover that Aiden has, in the past, accepted, shall we say, non-traditional payment for contracts.  (No, it's not that; get your mind out of the gutter.)  Aiden thinks Lambert would be happier if he embraced his inner wolf a little more.
Relationships: Aiden/Lambert (The Witcher)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 130





	Catnip and Crowns

**Author's Note:**

> A silly little thing written in response to @rawrkinjd’s answer to @jackclaw‘s ask about the quote regarding Cat witchers being paid in catnip from the new Gwent card expansion. ([Original post here.](https://rawrkinjd.tumblr.com/post/636957018109984768/you-will-probably-appreciate-this-in-the-new))

“Aiden!” Lambert crashes back into their shared room in a rage, almost knocking the door off of its hinges, and quickly starts throwing Aiden’s scattered shit back into his bag. Lambert’s shit, as always, is already stowed and ready to go. “Get a move on. We’re leaving.”

“What?” The other witcher stares at him from the bath for a heartbeat, only about halfway through cleaning the rotfiend viscera off of himself, before swearing, “Shit.” He abandons the cloth he’s obviously been using to scrub at the gooey and foul-smelling necrophage gunk plastered to every inch of skin and hair that his armour wasn’t covering and Lambert makes a mental note to, when they are free and clear of this dump, once again give Aiden shit about the stupidity of protective gear that doesn't cover your arms. Aiden stands and dumps the bucket of clean water he had reserved for just this purpose over his head. It doesn’t completely work: he is still both soapy and sticky when he fumbles out of the tub and starts dressing. “What happened?”

He looks ridiculous, wiping away the suds that keep slipping down his bangs and into his eyes as he tries to struggle a still damp body into unyielding leather. Ridiculous, Lambert insists internally, and not at all cute. Remembering why they are now beating a hasty retreat keeps the smile from his face. “Asshole governor, that’s what happened.”

“Damn it!” Aiden stops fighting with his trousers to meet Lambert’s eyes with a look somewhere on the spectrum from guilty to hurt. He is the one who set up this contract, found and negotiated the price, and he always takes it as a personal failing when they get stiffed on his jobs, as if he were at all to blame for the selfish and capricious nature of humankind. “Did we not get paid?”

Lambert just scoffs and pauses in his packing to hold up his prize. “What do you take me for?”

“Is that… is that the city’s, what’s it called, the thing he wears at official functions,” the name finally comes to Aiden, “Chain of Office?”

Lambert beams, showing his sharp canines. “It’s only gold plated, but pure silver underneath. I checked. And they’re only semi-precious stones, but they’re real. We should be able to get it broken down and sell the components for at least the 200 crowns we were owed.”

Aiden smirks and finally gets his trousers up onto his hips. Forgoing the ties for the moment, he starts to wiggle into his shirt. “So he did try to not pay us. Jackass. I take it our speedy exit means he didn’t necessarily part with it willingly?”

“Well, when I offered him the choice between the trinket and his life, he seemed happy enough to choose his life, but I have a feeling he may sing a different song to his guards.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You want to know what’s ridiculous? Before he ‘offered’ me the chain, he tried to pay us off in catnip. Apparently saw your stupid medallion yesterday and thought he was being clever. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Catnip instead of crowns?” Lambert finishes packing and ties off both bags just as Aiden starts to fight with his stupid sleeveless leather jerkin. “Like we would have accepted that as payment for eight rotfiends.” He slings his bag over his shoulder and tosses Aiden’s onto the bed as he debates shouldering Aiden’s swords as well. The idiot hasn’t even gotten to his boots yet and the laces on those things always take him an age.

Aiden, fiddling with the clasps on his armour, doesn’t look up. “But you took the catnip too, right?”

“What?” Lambert turns to gawk at the Cat.

Aiden blinks back. “You took the catnip too?”

There’s a moment of silence while Lambert waits for Aiden to crack and admit that it is all a joke at Lambert’s expense, the other witcher does enjoy teasing him relentlessly, but the moment stretches past comfortable and Lambert is finally the one who breaks. “You can’t be serious!”

“Look! Just because you like pretending that the mutagens didn’t do anything but change your eye colour doesn’t mean I’m going to-”

“You are not an animal! You are an adult man!”

“Who gets a buzz off of catnip! I’m not going to lie. And frankly I fucking deserve it after getting oozed by that damn rotfiend.”

“You only got oozed because you charged in like a fucking moron! I told you to stand back because I was going to-” A sudden thought occurs to Lambert, derailing the argument about fighting styles. “Wait. Don’t tell me you’ve accepted catnip as payment for contracts before?”

The silence as Aiden starts tying his boots is deafening.

“For fuck’s sake, Aiden!”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You didn’t have to! And you call me ridiculous!” Despite the utter absurdity of the man, Lambert still collects his swords for him. The rest of their hasty preparations are completed in incredulous silence, but as they are climbing out the window (they heard heavily armoured footsteps on the stairs), Lambert can’t stop himself from muttering, “I can’t believe you-”

“Just accept it. You’ll be a lot happier if you do, puppy.”

They manage to make another town before sundown and Aiden finally gets to finish his bath while Lambert visits the blacksmith to dismantle the Chain of Office. Given the inter-town rivalry, the blacksmith mercifully doesn’t ask any questions about the jewelry’s provenance. On his way back, Lambert also stops by the herbalist to stock up on some ingredients and, after much humming and hawing and actually leaving the shop once and sheepishly returning, purchases a small pouch of catnip. Fuck it. If he loves the man and that makes him happy, where’s the actual harm? And Aiden has had a shit day, even if it was his own damn fault for getting slimed by the rotfiend. Returning to their room, he finds a now clean and pleasantly soft smelling Aiden has procured two bowls of soup, a loaf of bread, and a pitcher of ale, as well as a beef bone for Lambert. He probably thinks he’s being fucking clever, even making some quip about how he valiantly managed to get to it before the inn’s dogs did so Lambert wouldn't have to share, but the joke’s on him. Lambert loves marrow and happily crunches the bone between his teeth to get at the treat within. And if he spends more time chewing on it than is strictly necessary for that purpose and maybe happens to like marrow raw, well, it’s not like Aiden, high off his tits and humming to himself, has any right to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> I am also on tumblr ([Octinary](https://octinary.tumblr.com)) if you want to chat or ask me anything!


End file.
